This is my story, this is my song....

Last night in our womens group at church, we talked about being a "Hill Seeker"- meaning don't run from the hard times, push through them. A friend of mine who leads the study shared her testimony and shared all of her "hills" that she has gone climbed and came back down. But one thing that stuck out to me is she kept referencing that she didn't think she could make it through those times, but she did!

I had a rough Senior year in High school, and for a few years that year stuck with me. It was some hard "hills" to climb... and one of them in particular I didn't think I would make it through. My grandpa had brain cancer, and passed away within about 6 months of being diagnosed. He was a HUGE part of my world, and I didn't think I could do life without him. It was hard facing a lot of the big parts of life without him, high school graduation, college, marriage! I didn't think I was going to make it for a long time. It hurt too much. I didn't want to face the world without him. I needed him! And like I mentioned before from the study that she was saying, I didn't think I would make it either. And honestly, I wasn't "making it" for awhile... I tried to find other ways of coping with the hurt, turned to things that did more harm than good just to numb it or distract myself for just a little while to forget the pain of him being gone. See, the problem was.... I wasn't giving any of this to God... I was trying to "fix" it myself. I was angry with God that I had gone through so much in my life in such a short period. It wasn't "fair" for my life to have so much hurt... So I wouldn't share my hurts with him, I didn't tell him my heart and how it ached. Until one day - I realized my way wasn't working, and God told me to give it to him!!! He would heal my hearts aches, that as much as I hurt - he hurt more for me- seeing me hurt! Like my on-going theme lately, HE IS WITH YOU!! Think of someone your with all the time, for me its my husband... after being around someone for so long... you feel what they feel, you hurt when they hurt, you know how they feel when they don't say anything. It's the same way with God, he is ALWAYS with us. Thus he always feels our hurts, disappointments, frustrations, and he hurts with us.
Last night as she shared, and as other women shared their hills... I looked back at my few hills that I have climbed in my life. And I truly have no clue how I got through it. I didn't think I could. But guess what... I did... and God was WITH ME! Through all of it!
What's amazing, is my heart is healing... do I think its totally healed? No... I think that is a constant progress - but I know God is helping me to heal. I've moved to cherishing the memories I had with him, and cherishing who he was... instead of being angry about the things I didnt have with him, and angry that he isnt here. Its there that you find healing, when your willing to let go of those things that haunt you - the anger, bitterness, all of it and find things that you are thankful for instead of turning to those emotions. I found the truth in that when I read this quote from Ann Voskamp's blog the other day:

"When we don’t think there’s much to give thanks for, we don’t think there’s much to live for — because giving thanks to God is the purpose of our lives."

Have you had some ridiculously huge hills recently, and your not thinking you can make it? Keep pushing! Don't give up, because remember after the top - its all downhill from there! And remember your not alone on that hill, he is ALWAYS with you!