I have been wanting to write this post for awhile now. But every time I come to type it... I just sit here and stare at the screen. I think mostly out of fear, and also to avoid hurting others. I want to preface this now, that I do not intend for this blog post to be hurtful to anyone in anyway. I am simply being open and honest. It's so hard, because of these things, to share. But something deep down in me longs to share my story. One, because other than God speaking to us to adopt - this is probably the clearest word God has ever spoken to me, and Two - because I want to share this amazingness that God has so creatively worked out for good! Something that Satan meant to bring me down, to harm me, to be something that has been a struggle for me for a LONG time... God made it beautiful. Mostly I just want others to know and understand, that ALL your junk and hard times... God can make a beautiful masterpiece of it. You may not be able to fully see it at first, but He will show you one day. Just like he did me. So if your going through some hard times right now, tell yourself, he is going to do something crazy amazing with it all... and wait with anticipation.
In our women's bible study at church, we have been talking about Elijah and the altar - when God provided the fire. We had been challenged to think of that ONE thing, the thing that so many of our "symptoms" come from, and to offer it as a sacrifice to God. By symptoms I mean so many of the things we feel one a daily basis that aren't from God... Insecurity, Fear, Anxiety, Depression, and the list goes on. All these things are signs of a deep rooted problem, they branch out from something much deeper. They aren't specifically the problem. But what is IT?
For me, it is fear of abandonment.
This is something I have so ridiculously struggled with for a long time. When my parents divorced, my dad just left. Didn't say anything to me, just went to the house, got his belongings that he wanted while I was at school, and left... I honestly didn't hear from him for quite a while after he left. (Please know, I love my dad - this is just part of my story - I do not say this to make him look bad - this day, this time... its made me who I am, and all part of my story and explaining this helps you to see) You see that moment in my life, I felt abandoned. I felt left behind like his belongings he decided not to take with him. And something from that time stuck with me. A small voice always saying, their gonna leave you. Why try and let them in, its only a matter of time before their gone.
This time in my life as I have shared before was a struggle. Not long after this happened. My grandpa passed away from brain cancer. Once again, I was left. Not by choice, but still had the same heart wrenching feeling.
I am not sure if anyone has seen the show One Tree Hill, but I have always been able to relate to Peyton. "People always leave." I am not saying this to be hurtful to anyone, but its just how I felt. I have had some very close friendships and relationships where people just cut me out. It hurts.
All these things have added up to this deep rooted fear of abandonment that I have struggled with for so long.
This is my sacrifice, this is the center of all my symptoms. The one thing I have allowed to determine so many things in my life, I let it effect my thoughts - trust - relationships - even my relationship with God at times. I had learned to build walls, not let people in - just to avoid the hurt when they were gone. This had effected much more of my life than I ever understood.
As we went on talking about our sacrifice, our pastors wife told us to seek out God's word that changes this negative. What is the word he has for me, that changes this ugly to good?
And here is the best part of all of it...
He quietly spoke to me as I prayed about my word for this issue.... "I already gave it to you"... John 14:18 "I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you." (our verse on all of our adoption stuff!) And then God so clearly spoke to me, this is why you have a heart for adoption. I hurt for the orphan, because I had felt their pain. Not in the same sense, as I had my mother. But I had felt and could identify with that abandonment. And God continues to speak this verse to me, that He will not leave me - He is COMING TO ME! What an awesome thing, in Him making this ugly hurts/past into beauty. He is making all things work together for my good. Even though those things hurt in my past, God is using it to help me understand my future child, to feel what they feel, and also this is what has caused my heart to be drawn to the orphan. This is the reason we are adopting, so ALL of this - the good and bad - this is what started my family. And I could not be more thankful for God opening my eyes to see it. To understand myself more than I ever have before.
The song below seems fitting for this post :)
